Twas a whisper from the past

Woke up to the faint shuffling of the leaves by the winds blowing over from the beach. These were the sounds I have grown accustomed to over the past months I've been staying here in the Coogee House. I'd stumble out of my bed and make my way to the bathroom as usual. Bladder empty, and face washed, I'd come back to my room and walk over to laptop sitting idly on my messy study desk.

I'd go through my daily scroll down, I'd read the news from back home and then compulsively go read through your blogs. I don't know why I am overwhelmed by these mixed feelings as I read these writings on my screen. I don't know if I'm jealous of the life you are living now or whether I'm sad that I'm not a part of it anymore. But those mixed feelings will pass as I look up to the wall behind my computer screen. There hangs the many pictures of me and you and all those times, the wonderful good memories frozen in that moment. I'd give my crooked smile, and close the blog windows. A tiny flickering moment of warmth will fill me, which will soon be replaced with a cold emptiness of longing and reminiscence.

So much I'd wish to say, so much I'd wish to do. But, I'm here, and you're there and the answer was simple as that. You have other people you'd rather share your life with and I should be fine with that. Trying is all we did...well, I say 'we' cause it'll make me feel better and think that all that has been done was not in vain. I won't bother with chasing what has passed and I've grown weary of fixing things that only I've been trying to fix. I'm tired of you sucking me in and pushing me out as you please. I don't know who exactly I'm saying this though... and don't you dare turn this back to me. Selamat Tahun Baru Hijrah, assalamualaikum.

Why are all the good shows gone?

Being overseas and having limited access to the luxuries of astro and cheap pirated dvds, the only remaining tv series and movie resource for the common overseas bruneian university student is through the internet with a wonderful thing called file-sharing. It started with limewire and downloading single music files back in the good old days, but now it internet and its userbase has evolved, and we have access to bittorrent, azureus and other file-sharing programs which allow us to continuous download huge files of music, movies and other stuff.

In Brunei, we never did have the mindset of 'piracy is illegal, downloading bad' like that of other western countries. Heck, we complain about not having the freedom of thought or whatever, but we tend to overlook our country's wonderful freedom of piracy and sharing, which is the most important type of freedom. Owh Brunei...how I miss you and your dvd stores with its endless selection of $3 dvds in their tacky plastic containers and badly photocopied covers.

Being overseas, having access to cheaper high speed internet access, we'll be drawn in to piracy downloads like a fat man to a cheap buffet. So we download....download like mad. We download till we have to buy external harddrives, and then download the files there till the harddrive is full and then have to buy a new one and then download the files there again. One of the reasons to justify this, is to download the weekly shows that we'd normally watch and not have access to due to boring local tv.

Well, the shows, I started out downloading naruto in Brunei when it first came out (1-2 days for a 100mb file) , but now I can download a gigs worth in just a matter of hours. It started with just naruto (naruto shippudden now), to a whole slew of tv shows. There are so many now, but what I really wanted to talk about is that among all those shows, only a few are worth watchin and waiting every week. All of the rest of them are just meaningless repetitive unoriginal forced dry humour crap, well, from my point of view anyways. Its sad that shows with good writing, drama, originality don't get good ratings, don't last long and always get cancelled in the long run.

Take this show for instance:


Pushing Daisies, the tale of the piemaker and his ability to bring the dead to life with a touch of his finger. It's a surprising amazing black comedy show about the life this magic pie maker and the lives of the people around him. What's surprising is that it so original and smart. So much than any of the shows out there. The story is consistent and linear, and you'll fall in love with all the characters. Its unlike the current season of this show:



I gotta admit heroes started great in season 1. It was original, it was epic. I loved the stylized way the show was shot, I love the comic references, I loved the characters. As implied by its own storyline it has set up, it was destined for greatness. But that greatness died in the second season and even more in the third. Now, you'll have no idea whats going on, and the characters you once fell in love with are doing pointless things, and the show just got...boring and unwatchable. I don't like it anymore even to the point of hating and despising it. What's even more sad, is that due to the hype and relentless promotion, its still going strong. The writers of heroes have no clue of what to do with the characters, no idea where the show is going. The show is only alive because people are stupidly watching it. I do hope with the new season, they'll fix things up. Sadly, even with its wonderful writing, pushing daisies is wilting for good.

Brian Fullers amazing show is ending after two seasons due to a weak following. I don't know why people aren't watching this tv show. Its brilliant, it makes me feel like I'm back into those days where you don't need sex and endless gore and action to sell a story. What you need to sell a story is a good story. And pushing daisies had that. I am partly to blame because I download each episode as they come out and the executives don't count downloads as ratings and viewer followings which are needed to see if the show is worth keeping alive or not. Money makes the world go round as usual. I would watch it if it came out on tv though! But its not shown here in australia, so I'm blaming american audience for not watching it. You guys suck, heheh. The story was going somewhere, and I don't think they'll be able to wrap it up in a satisfying way in the remaining 2 coming episodes.

There's one good news to this though. Brian Fuller, the creator of pushing daisies is coming back to work in the new seasons of heroes. Brian Fuller is also the writer responsible for some of the amazing episodes of the first season of Heroes. So with him back on heroes, hopefully it'll go back to its former glory. I'm watching back the first season of heroes on bluray, and I'm still dissappointed how far the apple has fallen from tree.

Lion King

Hadee is here in the pride Rock of Sydney:

"RAAAWR!"

No... I have not gone insane... =P

There's yesterday and there's today.

For the past month, I've been dreading the end of the semester. Not because of the exams, but because of the fact that all my friends will be going home for summer. I was dreading the fact that I was going to be alone repeating a subject which I should have passed the first time round. At first I tried to be as optimistic as possible, but when the day came, I just broke down. I just felt empty and hated myself. Saying goodbye was so hard for me. They'll be working and back home, while I'll be stuck here alone studying maths...ugh

But...that was yesterday...and this is today... and I feel much better today. Little words, little gestures can mean so much to me and I thank you for it. I was too depressed to upload photos and blog but I think I got the mood to do it. Not now, because I don't have my camera and wire, but soon. For now, I'll just post this:

TAGGED by PU3 AND AMAL PINKY

1. Take a recent picture of yourself or take a picture of yourself right now

2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture

3. Post that picture with no editing

4.Post these instruction with your picture

5. Tag 5 people to do this

I tag: Arif, Maasitaa, Shane, Wani and Kuching.

Aite...thats it for now... yesh, bida gambar ku. haahah, miss you guys. And those in Brunei, HAV FUN! XD

This song... caught me the moment i heard it. It was in the new Tomb Raider Underworld game launch trailer. It sounds so familiar... its sounds like the song satine sings in moulin rouge right after she finds out she is going to die. The lyrics also seem similar to a track in the Animatrix soundtrack that I listened to relentlessly when I was in Highschool.  I think it was when the world ends by Dave Matthews band or something. I'm not sure, but the fact is, I'm loving this song right now.

Disturbia

Rihanna....words cannot describe her.....I love her....I want to make sweet slow love to her....The moment she came on stage I was mesmerized...she drew me and caught me hook and sinker. Marry me...have kids with me.... make me ur toy boy...I don't care.... hahahah

bam bam be dum bam bam be bum dum...oh, and I hate Chris Brown.

This was so worth that $150. Thanks Nisah!

 

Heh2, would love to post more, but top priority now is my Final Exam, Petrophysics.

Burning the midnight oil....AGAIN!

Is it about saying the right thing?

Blogging is pretty much one of the 'in' things right now. It's one of the things on the list, up there with facebooking, myspace, friendster and all that crap. Yes, I admit I do get caught up with trying to be part of the crowd and trying to do what everyone tells me to do. So do I blog with the knowledge that people are going to read it? Well of course I do, that's the whole point of blogging. The point I'm trying to make is that I started blogging because I wanted to share my thoughts with the world, my perception of it. What I notice now is a growing epidemic of copycats, show-offs and pointless unproductive rantings. 

I am part of this, and that's the reason I am trying to rectify it. I have got to stop worrying about what I am going to say. There are some people out there who agrees with me but at the same time still bitch about it and blaming it on the cruel and stupid the world. Whole lot of hypocrites out there, and there are only a few blogs out there which have a worthy read. Starting fresh and being true. I don't know if I'm right, and I admit that I can be wrong at some points. That is why everyday, I try and be a better person for the world and myself. 

ADuuh...

Sakit leer kepaler I...... :(

You are an idiot... blaming it on everyone else doesnt make it right...

Scratches

Firstly, 

Dunno if you can see it. I got 3 long scratch marks on the back of my neck. I'm not really sure where they came from, but they hurt like hell when I first found out about them. I woke up and had this pain at the back of my neck. I thought it was dry skin or somthing, not actually scratches until my housemate pointed it out. Hahah, it happened while I was sleeping I think. Really need to clean my bed (please no dirty-minded comments about this). When I was studying on my bed, this big assed spider appeared on my head next to my pillow. The reaction would be as expected:

"drill bits functions to...HOOOLY FUUUCK, SPIDEEEER!!!!"

*jumps of bed and collapses on the floor*

Yeah, I have a fear of the creepy crawlies, mostly spiders. My house mates actually got a video of me 'reacting' to a bigger spider that was in one of the other rooms. Hopefully, that video has dissappeared, burned and wiped of the face of the planet. Well, back to the main point, the scratches, were they made by spiders? I hope not, I'm more scared of them laying eggs in my brain. I'd be more comfortable thinking a ghost or vampire was sucking on my neck rather than spiders crawling all over me when im asleep.

Well, semester's done, studying period has been on for almost a week. Its been days leading up to the study week were pretty hectic, but we all got through it.

No presentations

No more UNI during crazy weather

No more doing assignments until 3AM in the morning

No more cold freezing lectures

Now its just studying, and xams. Yeah, I'll miss seeing my coursemates, but hey, we all need a break from each other once in awhile, hahaha. I get a two week break (10 days actually) after my xams, then its summer school. Pretty sad when I think about being alone for 3 months, but fuck it, thats life. hehheh, all my good friends, including the non-bruneians are going back home for summer. And I'll be stuck here doing maths....whooppeeee.

Oh rainy days, I won't let you bring me down...

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P.s: Owh, and I want this game so badly.....ALLOWANCE PLEASE COME OUT SOON-er! 

Spiderman bebeh! :P

Islam and the Little Big Planet

Hey, not much to say except that I overslept when i had a ton of work to do. Heheh, anyways, all you PS3 gamers or gamers in general. You guys should probably know by now that the game 'little big planet' was recalled worldwide, because it contained a song with quran verse in it. Well, like most people, I was like WTF? I dunno whether i was pissed that somebody messed with the quran verse or that the game was recalled back because of Islamic concerns. Well, I searched for the song on youtube and it turns out I have heard this song before.

Its a very beautiful song from my point of view and sad that it's going to be removed. The song is called is called "Tapha Niang" from the 2006 album Boulevard de l'Independance by Grammy award-winning Malian kora player Toumani Diabaté. Passages of the Qur'an being recited in the song include: 1- In the 18th second: "كل نفس ذائقة الموت" ("kollo nafsin tha'iqatol mawt", literally: 'Every soul shall have the taste of death'). 2- Almost immediately after, in the 27th second: "كل من عليها فان" ("kollo man alaiha fan", literally: 'All that is on earth will perish'). I actually watched it being performed on tv for a french/african festival or something a month ago, it even had subtitles so one would understand the lyrics.

Yes, many can ponder to why the game was recalled due to the song. Firstly, using quran verse, I don't know the facts, but is that allowed, even if it's used in a beautiful manner. It sad if we can't sing about the book we love though... people are probably more scared of the fact that Islamic extremists are very sentive and might retaliate. 

Second, the lyrics, I mean, some people will obviously misinterpret it due to the fact that its talking about death. I think it suites the game perfectly. makes us think about the bigger picture (little big planet). We create the worlds in the game and we make these characters play around in them until they eventually fall victim to a falling wooden gorilla or something. Its kinda ironic serious song, but its beautiful and sets the mood. The song is kind of for a mature mindset, but hey....the world is full of inmature hateful people.

Hm...final thoughts that it should have stayed. Political correctness, hate and intolerance yet agains makes the world a sad place to live in...

Gelatissimo Cravings...

What do you do if you're stressed out studying for your tests and the temperature goes up to 30 degrees? Well, you go down to the beach and eat ice cream of course! Well in this case, gelato at gelatissimo. 

Zarif and Abu

Amal and the new cheesecake range of gelato

Me, a cookies and cream/chocolate gelato and my perut buncit.

Hot Day + Sunday + $3 a scoop = Gelatissimo's high profit margin

Speaking of profits, I am currently in a deficit. Hahah, allowance just doesn't come soon enough. But I have enough money I think to last me through the study period. My coffee jar is still half-full so that's all I'll need for the next few weeks. Did my french listening test on Monday. Listened to a dialogue between a detective interviewing a lady who returned home and found a burglar. I only understood half of the dialogue. The only part I was confident about was the fact that she was a shopkeeper at a shoeshop (Elle est vendeuse a magasin de chassuesse). Everything else was antam. hahaha. Next test for me is a drilling lab test which is in 7-8 hours. Hope I do well. ;)

I thought that with everything I said and did, 

I hoped it had actually meant something, 

I hoped that you would remember but now it is finally clear. 

You are happy and I guess that's what matters. 

I can stop hoping now...

thank you so much for making me lose hope. 

Another dream ends...

Last weeks...

It's the end of my 11th week of 2nd semester. One more week and then its study period. Time flies so fast...well maybe its cuz of the new 12 week semester compared to 14 weeks last year. Can't believe I'm almost reaching the halfway point of my degree... two more years and I'm done.

Took this photo on the way to gym after class. The contrast between nature and concrete seemed very beautiful. Life is so beautiful, can't help but think of the things that has passed this year. Happiness, laughter, sadness and hearthache, I experienced it all and will keep on experiencing it. Ill love my friends, my housemates and my family, warts and all.

 Today was my last petrophysics lab. Only three of us came, Sarah, Saad and me. I thought Zhixi (our lab demonstrator) would freak, but I think he seemed happy as well cuz it was the last time he had to demonstrate . I still kept reassuring him that most of the other people in the lab didnt  come because they came the previous week. Zhixi is a nice guy, always smiling and he never scolds us. Kinda feel like we take advantage of him sometimes. Best lab demonstrator ever!

Zhixi, Sarah and Saad.  Caught Sarah off guard with the picture. haha, kinda of weird it just being the four of us in the lab doing the lab procedure. Luckily, I"m close with them, so it wasn't awkward. Yeah, I'm still awkward around people I'm not used to. Sarah and Saad are some of my good friends here. Sarah's half Malaysian and Australian (malaysian migrated to Oz), and Saads Arab and part-malaysian (only found that out this year). Saad doesn't speak malay, so me and Sarah messed around with him by talking with each other in Malay.

After a very fun lab (since it was only three students and the last lab, we got to do all the work and mess around with the equipment), we sat around and chatted about what we wanted to do in the future. We talked about what speciality of Petroleum Engineering we're going to do. Saad already has his future picked out for him (Aramco Scolar Student), he has to be a drilling engineer. Sarah still hasn't decided. I've tried out petrophysics during attachment which was okay but not something I'd like to do for the rest of my life. Reservoir Characterization seems hard and stressful, so I'm opting for drilling or production technology. 

We also talked about what it's like living on the rig and all the stuff that can happen. Sarah said during her attachment at Woodside, this guy got electrecuted while opening a first aid box! Imagine that! hahah, turns out the first aid kit was nailed to a live wire. Zhixi's story was gruesome though. He was in charge of these group of students. They were headed toward this rig in the countryside (near farms etc), and they had to cross this small raving or ditch. Each of them one by one jumped across. The fifth guy jumped and grabbed hold of an electric pole. Guess what happened? Yup, he got electrecuted and died.  Zhixi quit that job after that...scary

Sarahs going off the Texas for exchange next semester, so not going to see her for awhile after the exams are done. Kinda sad, gonna miss her cheery and feisty attitude. Hm...now that I think of it, class just isn't going to be the same. Ah well, at least i got Saad to keep me company and slack off in class, bwahaha. I also have my crazy ass housemates. Just before this we were fooling around loudly in the kitchen and ended up waking up the landlord upstairs. She rang the housephone but we didn't pick it up. We just pretended we didnt hear it a silently went into our rooms. It was like a turn-off switch of craziness. heheh

It's gonna be weird being alone here when they go back for summer. I try not to think about it too much. At least the house isn't huge (huge empty houses creep me out). And I have the landlord's dog outside the window to annoy when I'm lonely. hahah. Actually, I wanted to get a cat... gonna cost me $200 which I don't have right now. Maybe when my allowance gets out. Ah well, gotta go study. Hope I can do better this semester. Wish me luck.

Can't help it

Second last week of the semester and its the second last test for my french today. Need to study, so going to go off in a bit. Lately, all my posts have been rather...well depressing. Yeah, I admit I'm depressed, and I shouldn't be. Life is can be better spent without all this moping. I started going to gym again, hopefully I'll stick to it this time. Going for these steps classes, which is really fun. Just have to find time for it. Running makes me feel better... 

I miss Centenial Park, used to jog there everyday when I lived in Kensington. I can jog to coogee beach, but its too...sandy...hahah and cold and to many hills in between the beach and my house. 

When I'm not jogging, I'm stuck at home. Putting off study for internet, guitar and games. Haha, I been forgetting to control my spending lately. Ebay and Shell Allowance don't mix. Some days I have to starve cuz I don't have cash to buy groceries or eat out. Lesson that should have been learnt a long while ago.

Yeah, but being here in Sydney, when I think about it, is all worth it (ups and downs). To quote moulin rouge: Truth, beauty, freedom and love. Learnt about all these things after being on my own. Truth: People... the lies you have to realise and the truth you must believe from them. Beauty: How beautiful life is, like realising how beautiful it is when you finally get your housemates finally clean the dishes. Freedom: Control fo yourself, what you do and its impact on everything else. Don't take for granted that even though your in another country, away from the eyes of everyone, the big guy up there is still watching you. Last but not least, love: its a fools game.

Am I a fool, who tries too hard or am I a fool who does not try hard enough? Am I a fool who puts too much trust in people or am I a fool who can't trust anyone enough? Am I a fool for being  a dreamer or a fool for being too pessimisistic? Am I a fool, cause I can't help but fall in love with you?

You don't need me anymore...

I thought it was a bit suffocating when your presence used to cling on to me, it held me back and stopped me from doing what I wanted to, our reliance on each other seemed to be a sad disease...

When the chance came, I tried to break free, and pushed you away. I pushed everything away, hoping things were indeed better on the other side.

Now I'm here, alone, without the things that should have stayed with me.

I pushed everything so far away, that its no longer in reach. Now you don't call me anymore. Now you don't talk to me anymore. Now you don't even look at me anymore.

I guess the time has come, when you finally don't need me anymore...

Main Hati...

It's been awhile since I've updated. My birthday has come and gone, I'm a year older but heck I don't think I'm wiser. Got results of one of my tests again and they seen to have been going in the same trend lately. It's like whatever the fuck I do, I can't seem to get things right. What's even shitier is the fact that I know I'm doing it wrong and whenever I try to change myself for the better it always for the worse. I sick of trying and failing, I'm sick of putting so much effort and getting nothing but this cruel feeling in my chest. Sigh..I miss home... but I don't think I can even face my family. I haven't failed yet, but I'm not doing the best I could and thats just not me.

I don't know who I am lately you know. I sorta drifted off after SMB. Felt like I was tumbling downhill since then, still barely grasping on. I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. I barely recognise that fuck up staring back. I can't be who I want to be, I can't be what they want me to be. I can't be who god wants me to be. I feel like nothing right now, just a waste of air. I wish I had my good friends by my side again. I can't talk to anyone here... I used to but... sigh..

I'm sorry for not being a good friend... Sorry for not being a good son... Sorry for not being a good muslim. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin.

Talking bird

The wants and needs of a useless person is just a  waste of time don't you think?

Memories are hazy

 It's 445am, just finished taking my sahur. I have a test for my well drilling and equipment course in 5 hours so I'm not going back to sleep. Its been a busy week and so is the next. Thank god the holidays start after that, can't wait for a break. I'm actually planning to go on a road trip with my friends to Canberra for Raya. Not sure if I have the money or even if the driver's license applies here, don't have the time to think it through yet. But here's hoping its an all go. Seriously need a change of enviroment and pace in my life right now.

Yeah, I've been stuck in my head lately and lost in my thoughts and the world of assignments, reports and tests.  My social life has been a little dead lately, thank god I have my housemates who makes life less sunyi. I've been so down lately, heartaches and worries of future outcomes. I've found a new cure for it though, listening to Phil Collin songs... Haha, I just put his album on in my IPOD and his music justs...well makes life enduring. Yeah some of his songs are sad, but some are uplifting at the same time. The sad songs reflect what I find true sometimes, reflecting is part of the healing process. Here's one song I've been listening to in repeat:

PHIL COLLINS -"I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING"

I've forgotten everything about you
'til someone says your name
I've forgotten all the reasons I loved you
'til someone tells me that you rang

The memories are hazy now
I don't recall at all
there's nothing, there's nothing there
just me
and I don't understand why

I can't recollect my feelings
'til someone mentions that they saw you
I really don't remember all the things you said
'til someone shows me where you live

Why is everything so hazy now
I don't recall at all
there's nothing, there's nothing there
just me
and I don't understand why

I can't recall your smile
the touch of your hand holding mine
and I can't remember why
holding you seemed so right

The memories they're hazy now
I don't recall at all
there's nothing, there's nothing there
just me
and I don't understand why

I've forgotten everything about you
'til someone says your name
I've forgotten all the reasons I loved you
'til someone tells me that you rang

Beautiful song, it has a jazzy loungy type feel to it. When the trumpet/saxophone plays, it just warms my soul. And phil's echoing voice...wow. He has such a power... meh, I envy people who make good music. heheh, well, I think I better get back to studying. Happy fasting you guys...

dead inside

I miss you...

Running around

It's been a week since I hit this weird I don't want to do anything mode. Everytime i try to pick up a book and study, my mind just shuts down. This laptop is also another drug. I can't stop looking at it even though I have nothing to do. I get so stressed out with myself I have resorted to quick fixes. No, i am not happy with the way I'm handling things right now most especially since its Ramadhan. I think I'm actually doing more stupid stuff than ever. I seriously don't know whats happening and it scares the hell out of me.

What little words...

Owh...what has happened to you?

Why do you take this so lightly?
Haven't you learned anything?
Haven't you understood it yet?
Why do you do this to yourself?

You truly deserve what you get...

I miss...

I miss lighting up... really really feel like a puff right now... :p
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*update* looks like I don't miss it anymore... mwahahaha

Its kicked in

Well, I finally got the confirmation from Shell. I'm staying over for summer. Why? Let's just say I'm not one of the smartest of the bunch and leave it at that. I didn't really feel much at first when I requested to repeat in summer. But now when it's official, wow, I just feel so....ugh...

Maybe it's the season, ramadhan and all. Not being able to go to tamu, smbhyg terawih, sungkai or sahur with family. And raya coming soon...the feelings all just begin to kick in. And topping that off with not being able to go home for another year... hahah, I make fun of people who try to go back home at every oppurtunity but here I am feeling all shitty. Yeah I'm sad, I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss Brunei. The fact that I'm going to be alone in this place while everybody is at home doing attachment really burns. Well, I deserve this I guess. Take responsibility for my actions and stupidness.

I told my parents about the plan of repeating but I don't know if they still remember or not. They still talk on me on the phone as if I'm coming back soon. I still don't have the heart to say I got the official word... I won't for now anyway. I don't think I can take a long dissappointed/overlyhopeful lecture from my dad. I'm just feeling too lousy about myself recently.

Fasting helps me get my mind off it though, just me and god in the morning. But after a long day, I wreck my brains out. Decent sleep is but a distant memory cause I spend hours in bed just dreading tomorrow and regretting the past. But when I wake up and begin a day of fasting, my mind clears up. Ramadhan came at a good time for me... it always does.

One Last Cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...

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One last cry before Ramadhan. Hehe, happy fasting to all muslims. All my love to you...

Big step

Today was seemed different, something was shown to me and I took a huge risk and went for it. At the time, it seemed the right choice, the timing perfect. All my worries and doubts could be answered if I went for this. It was thrusted to me and I took it.

Now suddenly, I"m thinking about it. God, why do I do this, when I finally think I did something right, I start thinking back and it just spoils it for me. Now I'm stressed, now I can't concentrate, now I feel like beating myself up and throwing up. I'm doing this to myself, I know, I have problems accepting my actions sometimes. Sigh... and I really need this to work, cuz I can't afford another stupid mistake. I dont think I can handle it.

Blankness

Totally blanked out right now. Just drank black expresso coffee cuz I wanted to do my report which I thought I had to hand up in the morning. Turns out its not due till next week. hahha, shit Hadee, you need to keep track of stuff. Well, now I'm wide awake, and gonna be for the next few hours cause this coffee is 'that' strong.

Well, I'm blank right now and not sure what to do. I'm staring at my WANTED poster with Angelina Jolie on it. Its covered with post-it notes because I had no where to stick em. Still havent watched the movie and its long played out. Wanted to watch WANTED when it was still at the cinemas but was broke at the time. Meh...money, after that god awful experience of worrying and starving myself, I really need to watch my spendings. Went grocery shopping for the first time in a long time just now. Passing by all the other shops, that old feeling started flooding back. The need to buy anything shiny. hahah

I saving up some of my allowance money, cuz I wanna go somewhere interesting during my next break. Was thinking of visiting my friends in NZ. But I was looking at the travelling section of the newspaper and there is a whole lot of other places i could go to with the same price. hhaha, I'd really like to go all around the world one day. And the thing thats stopping me, and everyone else, is money and time. So i wanna go overseas, I need money. For money, I need to work. I'm considered partly working now, since shell is paying me. But, I have to be here to study. So when i finish, i have to work. To get the money to go globe tripping, you need to work and save up for years. So what I'm worried about is, how long will i have to wait. Time is precious and anything can happen.

Hm...life is sooo.... hm hm.. Well, I hope Allah the almighty will give me a chance to explore this mysterious place he created called earth. insyaa allaah. And hopefully, I get to see it with all of you by my side. hee, AMIN.

The midnight wander

Its midnight again and I'm distracting myself on the priorities at hand and wandering around the net. But, I still have a full jar of Nescafe expresso coffee (unfortunately, I couldn't say the same for my other food stock) and the company of radio tunes to keep me awake. Wandering is what I do to feed my always hungry mind. Even though the vast amounts of information I absorb is useless in the overall picture, I will continue to wander like a zombie hungry for human innards.

As usual, like a fucking addiction, I wander to your page and look through your collections of photos even though I know not one of the persons standing next to you is me. And then I remember those words that you have said. You say those words like it were nothing, you make it sound so simple. How could it be simple when all of me was crushed in a single blow. So I am recuperating now, I am not begging for things to go the other way because I've learnt this lesson already. You'd think that once you felt a pain such as this, you'd never feel it again, but hey this is life. What's life without the joy of getting slapped around once or twice. IT'S FREAKIN AWESOME!

Hahah, yeah, I've been taking the pity train a little too far I guess. I'll try to get off at the next stop, I promise. It's was an excruciating but I think worthwhile experience. So now I wander what's at that next stop, and whether I'll board the right train and finally reach that destination I wanted to go to. =)

The puzzle

I needed to look back to understand. I tried my best to read between these lines and try to make sense of the trail of clues you've left behind. This puzzle, this complexity that you've created will truly make any sensible person give up. It is clear that you don't want to be solved so why bother.

But I am not a sensible person. Though I fail again and again, I will forever try till my last breath. Till me eyes run dry of tears, till my blood boils and bones crumble, I will try. I am no hero, I am no lover, I am no genius, I cannot promise you anything because I know I am not perfect. There is only one promise that I'll keep and its a promise I've kept since you've linked this chain between us. I've faded into the dark so many times but you were always there to light the way back. The years that passed were only tolerable because we were there for each other.

Lately, the challenges that were laid upon our paths has made things obscured. Indeed, that chain we made has long become rusted and worn. That light that lit the way had faded and for awhile, I thought it'll never come back. You probably are thinking the same thing. But I know you, like me, still have that tiny glimmer within yourself that will never NEVER go out. Even though you make it seem that darkness has swallowed you, that you are lost and can't find the way, given up, I know you can still find a way back.

How do I know this? Even though you try your best not to show it, even though you turned your back to the me and obscure it from everyone and maybe even yourself, I can hear you. It escapes you only as a whisper to some, but I can hear it screaming out to me. I wasn't there before, and I may have even given up before, but I am here now. Even if you reject it, I will reach out my hand, I will light the way, I will always try.

Because you are that link in my chain that will never break, you are the link that holds everything together, you were there and I've never NEVER forgotten. Believe in yourself, believe in me and try. Cause I wouldn't know what I'd do if you were to disappear like everything else. Please...try...

Losing My identity...

I'm at uni right now, taking advantage of the free internet at the library. haha, ran out of bandwidth at home and in fear of excess internet usage charge, I have become an internet refugee and begun to plunder the natural resources of my beloved unsw. I also wanted to do my report which is due on Tuesday *says this to make self feel better*

Anyways, I apologize, I have to forfeit my promises of writing different posts about my winter holiday, MOE visit, dewa experience as well as the Malaysian Independence Thing I attended last night. Instead, I'm going to post photos of everything on facebook (cuz "everyone" is there and its easier to upload photos there) and put my thoughts of these events and the impact on my life all in this post. So, if you're the type who wants to gawk at photos and live witty comments, you can bugger off from here and go to my facebook (I'm not going to put a link here, cuz if you're my friend, you shud by now have added me on facebook). If you're actually interested in what I think and have to say, than by all means stay.

WINTER HOLIDAY

Well when winter holiday began I was at the verge of mental breakdown. Well, I'm always at the verge of mental breakdown but this was like the verge-est of vergeness. Just completed a stressfull exam period and the cold weather was not much help. And I was really really having riffs with some people. Yeah, I got a Ps3 to help ease the pain but that put me in a huge deficit in my bank account and I was filled with money woes as well. Then like an voice from the heavens, my mom called out to me; "dear boy, to ease your suffering, we have booked you a flight to return home, so pack your bags, you're going home!" Well, it wasn't exactly like that, it was a chat and my mom asked "Come home laaah"

As being poor meant not being able to do much in Sydney, yeah decided to go home. One stopover in Brisbane and 8 hours later, I was home. Leaving the freezing numbing cold and stepping out of the plane into the warmth of my dear home county was a very wonderful experience. An intensely wet sticky salty experience as months of held in sweat decided to burst out of my pores in one go. I got for a few days as my body was trying its best to adapt to the hot weather. But life was good.

It was good to be home, it felt good to bother my sister every second of the day again. It felt good to help my mom out at home and work. It felt good to be able to play with all my little cousins and especially sayangku daleng alai baby Amirah aka pumpkin. I miss her so much now, just seeing her in my webcam makes me want to burst into tears. Everymorning, when I send my mom to work, she's be in the TV room with her maid and I'd just yell out her name and she's be smiling and laughing her head of. Yeah, I have to take care of big kids at my house in sydney but I prefer cute little ones, instead of overgrown buttugly guys, hahah.

Surprisingly being home, I didnt hang out a lot with my friends. We did a few times I think, but not as much as I hoped. But, just being able to see their faces again and talk at the same table was a really good feeling. We've changed and are busy with our lives but finding that you still can make time (even though a little) to hang out with your old friends is a truly satisfying experience. Especially the bbq at berakas, I was surprised to see so many old faces turn up out of the blue even though we barely spoke for the past few years. I guess we never do forget the good times we had and will always try again to make it happen and last.

I always have these thoughts that I have been abandoned and forgotten. Guess thats one of my flaws of being so insecure of myself. Again, life can prove me wrong and show me that bonds do last no matter how strained they are. That's why I always know I have someone to come home to at the end of the day. My true friends who I appreciate the most and don't say this enough, thank you so much. I always miss you and keep you in my heart. So if I don't send you a message, or call you or don't chat with you as much as I do. Please, just have faith in our friendship that we are always thinking about each other. I admit I do feel abit rejected when some people don't even have the decency to say hi when their online, heck, my online messenger list is always full of people but I rarely chat to any of them lately. So I could have tried harder, I know that now. Just know that I never forget every single moment we spent with each other in the past and I cherish each of them and I am thankful for those times. Heck I love you guys even though I don't show it as much as I cud have.

Those 2/3 weeks was a good refreshing break. Jogging the warm beaches, hanging out with my cousins, empire, helping out at my moms and aunties. As hectic as life can be, your home will always be there. So I try to keep that fact in my brain, so I can understand why I'm here down under. To make a living... to make a better person out of myself... to be more independant... to make my family proud. My mindset was back to normal and I'm ready to start a new semester.

A NEW SEMESTER STARTS

Random Bursts

Just got back from Friday Prayers at Squarehouse. Walked home in the cold freezing rain, weather is deteriorating. Once again my thoughts wondered on to you and these feelings of frustration and disappointment come rushing out again. This is the same feeling I had for her and now I can't believe its happening again. No....I can't blame someone else for the way I'm feeling. There's no bloody point. hahah, maybe I should have just let it be from the start. Maybe I just shouldn't have tried so fucking hard. Maybe, there was nothing at all to begin with. Yeah I'm a sore loser and I tend to dwell on little things more than I should. I am not angry at you, I'm pissed of at myself being so stupid. In case you're reading this, I said things would be the same and it will eventually. Just give me time to get my head around, I apologize if I made things so weird.


My ideologies tend to get the best of me and I end up suffering for it. Thinking sacrificing some things would make life better in the long run. Oh man, I could be so fucking wrong sometimes. Yeah, I wish I can spend my $$$ and light up cause it'll hell make me feel alot better. I don't even have $$$ to get stupid ink for my printer. Fuck it you know. Need to relax, can't wait till my allowance comes out. I really need to go out. Poor and bitter.

Wow...reading that again, I sound pretty pathetic. There are things I wanna say and don't really wanna say up there. And its filled with too much repetition, which I don't really think is worth posting. For some weird coincidence, I wandered to my old friendster blog (darkside440.blogs.friendster.com) and started reading all my old blog entries. I noticed some particular changes when comparing my old blog and new blog. Most notably was the obscene deterioration of my english language. Hahah, and my posts had more heart put into it back then. What happened?

But reading back, yeah, I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better than I did this afternoon. I still don't know what I'm trying to prove and I don't know what I'm exactly I'm trying to hide with all these posts either. These posts are my form of therapy and soul searching, and I'm going to keep it that way. I kind of got lost in all the hype of blogging and I've forgotten what I started these blogs for. Heads been stuck too much up there lately. I guess when every thing's gone, this blog will still be here to keep me company.

Missing you (04 May 2006)

Well, tymes are getting tuff. We are all growing up. Ready to venture on to the unknown...just lyke we dreamed off back when we younger. Well, here we are, going through that door and taking the big leap. It wasnt as expected, and i dunno, i'm doing it but somethings missing...and its holding me back...

I made those dreams with you...and i really thought you would be there by my side when we go through that door. Somehow we got seperated...the chain of promises and dreams shattered. Days go by, and i sit here in my room, staring out that window. Wondering if i should go on...wondering whats the point of it all. Whats the point of trying...if you're not there to enjoy it with me...whats the point of trying...if i can't share it with you...whats the point of trying...if you don't care.

The past comes back to haunt me, making me regret. I can't help but think about u every single day. Thinking about how it just used to be just us...how we use to care so much about each other...how we promised that we go on together. Well, the door to that future is here...and I'm still hesistating to open it. Because, i dun think i can't go through if youre not here holding my hand. Things are not the same...and I keep wondering what was lost.

Those days we used to eat and drink at the same table. The days we'd walk to class together. The days we would do our homework together. The days we'd hang out at the mall to watch a movie. The days we use to gawk at girls from the back of the classroom. The days you'd take me out without hesistation. The days you'd talk to me without looking away. The days you would call me. The days you would cry on my shoulder. The days you used to smile at me. The days we insulted our english teacher at the back of class. The days we'd skipped art class to drink milkshakes at the canteen. the days I use to scribble messages in your book. The days you scribbled replies in my books. The days you'd lend me your glasses when i forgot to bring mine. The days we walk to the mosque to pray after school. The days you'd lend me yur CDS. The days you and me hung out at the beach. The days we'd ran in the rain. The good old days....where have they gone.

i regret wishing things would change, cuz i thought things were better the way they were before. But i won't let go off that dream yet. I know that you will be there waiting for me on the other side. Those promises we made and the struggles we went throught wont be in vain. I won't let you down anymore my friends.

Aku tetap disini

Words were said,
promises were made,
.
.
.
.
and I'm here, always. :)

Pesta Kampong 2008

Hey you guys. Just wanted to tell you about this thing I went to yesterday.


PESTA KAMPONG 2008, Indonesian themed market/fair thingy at University of Sydney Campus. It was at the city, so I had to raid my poor piggy bank again for bus fare. Ultimately, it was worth it. I kinda regretted not going to the tamu or night market when I was back in Brunei last time, so I finally got some of my fill here.

Satay...oh sweet satay and fried chicken which I didnt have to fry myself. Quick cheap (well not bruneian cheap) oily fried food, always satisfies. Nisah jadi my model for today.

Satay Combo - AUD$10 : 5 satay sticks, 1 spring roll, 1 fried chicken wing.

Why the cap? Cause I having my bad hair day again...hehe

Nisah, Mizah, Wani and Nena. Bruneians in an Indon Market

Live performances were awesome, managed to catch Andra (Andra and the backbone) and Once (Dewa19) perform live. I wanted to catch more pics but unfortunately my camera was low on battery. Will upload from my friends camera when I get the chance.


Andra and the screaming indon fans.

The screaming brunei fan.

WAni and Hadee

Wani, Bing and Hadee

Food food everywhere!

Leena, Hadee and his lost love - Cendol Durian (the most delicious thing I've tasted)

At the UTS main hall. Mizah control...

Nisah, Me and this delicious fried thing filled with banana, chocolate and cheese.

Thats all for now, will upload more pics and vids soon. Gonna head of to eat nasi lemak in a bit and catch the Dewa, Andra concert at the Roundhouse in the evening. See ya!

A thoughtful one

3 posts in one go, bet u weren't expecting that. Yeah, Hadee's been pretty "lacking of life" lately. Well, more like "as of late" ? Grammer aside, I'm still alive, I'm still on this place we call earth, trying to live out this thing we call "life".

SO what's new? well...for one thing, I got this award nomination from Aryf:

I'm honored. A shock since I don't update much. hahah, well, it sez I have to nominate and link some peeps for this award, so here they are:

Din - Cuz he's sharin a blog with his sis, and thats pretty cool sharing. hahah
pu3- she blogs with her ikhlas thoughts and not for what people want. Make sense? heheh, she also has purty pictures and drawings.
Wani (Bing&i) - Cuz she takes awesome photos and is not stuck up about it.
KITA sedunia - Becoz i designed it, hahah, kiddin. Its a blog I share with my friends to keep in touch, and its pretty amazing that its alive and well.
Izah (Endoh Asuka) - DBSK fanatic..... all dbsk all the freakin time.
Amar - Of course he gets a nomination, hes the blogger freak, ha!

You can view their blogs from my link bar to the right. Malas kn buat the link on this post, heheh. Beri malas kdg2 blogger ani. Those photos below took me ages to upload. Maybe it was also due to the fact aku malas to resize it before I upload. hahah, awu aku pmalas.


My malasness has been cause by a great many things. Been lemah semangat (no, i can't see ghosts, stopped that after high school i think), I kinda lose the spirit to do anything these days. I just sick to the core of getting my hopes to high and getting end up disappointed too many times. I'm actually paranoid of working too hard or hoping too hard. hahah, its funny how I lost faith and what I thought was a good way to live life - believing and hoping for the best. I feel like shit right now and what the freakin point of doing anything. I can't do anything right, I can't talk to my friends, I can't live up to my family's expectation, I can't get good grades, I can't even stay healthy no matter what I do. Starting to get into some bad habits because of the fuckin strain, and I hate myself more for it.


Ugh...sorry for the negativity. Thats the result of months of bottling up stress. Anyways, pics below, will post more soon. Videos, please watch, especially the first one. 1:50 mark, freaking awesome. cIAAAAO

Winter Post 2

-missing the beach....warm sunny brunei beach. ~sigh