Random Bursts

Just got back from Friday Prayers at Squarehouse. Walked home in the cold freezing rain, weather is deteriorating. Once again my thoughts wondered on to you and these feelings of frustration and disappointment come rushing out again. This is the same feeling I had for her and now I can't believe its happening again. No....I can't blame someone else for the way I'm feeling. There's no bloody point. hahah, maybe I should have just let it be from the start. Maybe I just shouldn't have tried so fucking hard. Maybe, there was nothing at all to begin with. Yeah I'm a sore loser and I tend to dwell on little things more than I should. I am not angry at you, I'm pissed of at myself being so stupid. In case you're reading this, I said things would be the same and it will eventually. Just give me time to get my head around, I apologize if I made things so weird.


My ideologies tend to get the best of me and I end up suffering for it. Thinking sacrificing some things would make life better in the long run. Oh man, I could be so fucking wrong sometimes. Yeah, I wish I can spend my $$$ and light up cause it'll hell make me feel alot better. I don't even have $$$ to get stupid ink for my printer. Fuck it you know. Need to relax, can't wait till my allowance comes out. I really need to go out. Poor and bitter.

Wow...reading that again, I sound pretty pathetic. There are things I wanna say and don't really wanna say up there. And its filled with too much repetition, which I don't really think is worth posting. For some weird coincidence, I wandered to my old friendster blog (darkside440.blogs.friendster.com) and started reading all my old blog entries. I noticed some particular changes when comparing my old blog and new blog. Most notably was the obscene deterioration of my english language. Hahah, and my posts had more heart put into it back then. What happened?

But reading back, yeah, I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better than I did this afternoon. I still don't know what I'm trying to prove and I don't know what I'm exactly I'm trying to hide with all these posts either. These posts are my form of therapy and soul searching, and I'm going to keep it that way. I kind of got lost in all the hype of blogging and I've forgotten what I started these blogs for. Heads been stuck too much up there lately. I guess when every thing's gone, this blog will still be here to keep me company.

Missing you (04 May 2006)

Well, tymes are getting tuff. We are all growing up. Ready to venture on to the unknown...just lyke we dreamed off back when we younger. Well, here we are, going through that door and taking the big leap. It wasnt as expected, and i dunno, i'm doing it but somethings missing...and its holding me back...

I made those dreams with you...and i really thought you would be there by my side when we go through that door. Somehow we got seperated...the chain of promises and dreams shattered. Days go by, and i sit here in my room, staring out that window. Wondering if i should go on...wondering whats the point of it all. Whats the point of trying...if you're not there to enjoy it with me...whats the point of trying...if i can't share it with you...whats the point of trying...if you don't care.

The past comes back to haunt me, making me regret. I can't help but think about u every single day. Thinking about how it just used to be just us...how we use to care so much about each other...how we promised that we go on together. Well, the door to that future is here...and I'm still hesistating to open it. Because, i dun think i can't go through if youre not here holding my hand. Things are not the same...and I keep wondering what was lost.

Those days we used to eat and drink at the same table. The days we'd walk to class together. The days we would do our homework together. The days we'd hang out at the mall to watch a movie. The days we use to gawk at girls from the back of the classroom. The days you'd take me out without hesistation. The days you'd talk to me without looking away. The days you would call me. The days you would cry on my shoulder. The days you used to smile at me. The days we insulted our english teacher at the back of class. The days we'd skipped art class to drink milkshakes at the canteen. the days I use to scribble messages in your book. The days you scribbled replies in my books. The days you'd lend me your glasses when i forgot to bring mine. The days we walk to the mosque to pray after school. The days you'd lend me yur CDS. The days you and me hung out at the beach. The days we'd ran in the rain. The good old days....where have they gone.

i regret wishing things would change, cuz i thought things were better the way they were before. But i won't let go off that dream yet. I know that you will be there waiting for me on the other side. Those promises we made and the struggles we went throught wont be in vain. I won't let you down anymore my friends.