Holding on

Holding on

Mood: A little down
Listening to: my constant sniffling. I got a stupid cold.

Unlike this post, this will be purely about Sunday. I need to get back to my system, cuz I'm feeling I'm losing track of things again. When I feel lost, I get depressed so thats what I'm feeling now. A little lost, a little depressed and cold.

Again I wish I could noe what you are truly feeling

I want to peer deeper into those eyes and see the real person underneath

yet again, I don't know if what I see is real

Another illusion, another heartache, Another beautiful letdown...

Today seemed blurry... I don't know why... so much stuff to think about. I'm stuck in a rut. I dont know what I want. Which funnily is what my handwriting analysis mentioned:

Something is incomplete in Hadee's life. He feels frustration relating to his physical needs and desires. Somewhere in his life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Hadee's sexual needs.
Hadee has a temper. He uses this as a defense mechanism when he doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around him.
Hadee is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.
Hadee's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Hadee that he wasn't a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Hadee also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn't have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Hadee is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Hadee's self-concept is artificially low. Hadee will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Hadee to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Hadee is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
In reference to Hadee's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Hadee slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Hadee can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
Hadee will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!
Hadee uses judgment to make decisions. He is ruled by his head, not his heart. He is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see him as unemotional. He does have emotions but has no need to express them. He is withdrawn into himself and enjoys being alone. The circumstances when Hadee does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets him mad enough to tell him off, he will not be sorry about it later. He puts a mark in his mind when someone angers him. He keeps track of these marks and when he hits that last mark he will let them know they have gone too far. He is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All his conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. He is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, he has poise. Hadee will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. He would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, he will show his love by the things he does rather than by the things he says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because he feels his mate should already know. The only exception to this is if he has logically concluded that it is best for his mate to hear him express his love verbally. Hadee is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to him, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of his sound judgment. He will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. He will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and he will always ask "Is this best for me?"
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Hadee doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Wierdly, me and Mahirah's analysis kn sama. heheh, great minds think alike. Well, I guess most of its true. I'm sexually frustrated....cool. I prob take the test again to make sure. heheh, once I'm sure, I'll get rid of that "frustration". hahah, apakn.

Yet again, I'm left here in the dark

Wondering whether I've done the right thing or not

My heart is breaking into tiny pieces

and you don't even notice

yet another beautiful letdown....

Hm, I was jobless today. My mom and sis went out ptg and I was stuck at home with my dad. He wasnt in a going out mood and wanted to relax at home. Actually wanted to go to Amal's doa selamat, but no transpot. malas ku kn tanya my dad. Felt kinda guilty.

I feel this way, because thats the person I am

I choose to be this way for you

and yet you dont even notice

as expected, just another beautiful letdown

Since I had nothing to do, I txted the invites for the farewell/reunion bq party thingy. As usual, only one or two people decided to reply. The funny thing is, the people I'm not very close were the ones to reply. All the so called "friends forever" friends didnt even bother to mc. Sigh...i dunno, it kinda annoys me when people dunt bother to reply or mc. Acknowledge lah receive message atu.

I remember we made a promise

You always make me feel hopeful at the beginning

but then u forget that promise

and I cant do anything but stay quiet and feel stupid for believing you

another beautiful letdown

Afternoon, decided to wash my parents cars. All was going fine until I scrape my dads bender while backing out of the garage. Its the huge old plastic bender which cracked and fell apart. Its a small part and I dont know if my dad will notice it or not. heheh2, havent told him yet.

No matter how much crap u do to me

I can never do the same to you

Sumtims I just want to let you know how it feels for once

but I can't and I dunt think I ever will

another beautiful letdown...

When my mom came home and wanted to take me out, my mood was already deterioated. I just couldnt hold myself up. Went to the mall, and I was just walking blankly into things. Was plannin to buy stuff for the big trip. Tapi nada semangat. Palui eh. Today is such a sucky day. Usually I have my music to cheer me up, but I cant find my earphones. The only thing that lightened up my mood was chattin on msn. Lagipun, orang yg ku inda biasa bawa ku crita. heheh, wat a freakin surprise.

another beautiful letdown...

Well, it's officially monday, one more week till I leave. Dunt even noe if i want to celebrate or not. Man, I got a headache now. Wat a f**ked up day.