A little push

Now and then I think of those times

and wonder if they were ever real

your smile sincere, your laugh unforced

those fleeting moments where you were not afraid to look me in the eye

those promises...our promises...

I stepped back and teetered on the edge

I closed my eyes and held my breath hoping to sense your warm embrace

but it never came, all I felt was the icy chill of the air as I fell through it

and as i opened my eyes, all I could see was the figure of yourself growing smaller and smaller

until it disappeared over the towering cliff of the past

In the blackness, I thought it was gone, I wished for it to be so...

i blanked out every memory and every wish

I rubbed it out in pure spite

Every ounce of sadness I would have felt in doing so was numbed out with a breath of smoke

Every tiny feeling of guilt lagged far behind as I ran away as fast as my weary legs could take me

Everying was stripped away till only a pale shadow of myself was left

He promised me I would live life the way I wanted, without regret

His promises were the one I trusted, cause though he failed constantly, I knew he was trying

and that was all that mattered, all that I could care for right now...

You may abandon me, step on my pride and spit on my sincerity

I will live as I am

A dog licked me

and the first thought on my mind was: "hm...dapat ku buka puasa ni!"

Lol, I was talking to my landlord's daughter who was taking out bear (thats the name of the dog) for a walk. Bear decides it would be appropriate for him to lick my bare leg and walk between and around my legs. I was trying so hard not to have a look of pure horror on my face while talking.

It was not that bad anyway, the world didn't end. Had do the wash, which was more disgusting. Chee Hwa (my chinese housemate) couldn't help smirk while watching me pour soil mixed water all over my leg. Me and bear have a good history of annoying each other. He would wake me up early in the morning by barking uncontrollably. I would get him back by banging on the window while he sleeps waking him up. Now I have to think of a way of getting him back for licking me...should I lick him back? Nah...too weird.

Midterm Break

Today is the first day of my 10 day mid-sem break. Up till yesterday, my life has basically been a blur of lectures, non-stop assignments and tests. Fasting month has also taken its toll on me making it much harder to concentrate in uni and making me exhausted by the end of the day, I don't get to recap on the days uni work or get ahead in my assignments and night studies. I really wanted get back to my prayers, and neglecting them during Ramadhan makes me feel even more worse about myself. To top it off, my three month allowance is already a week overdue, and I am in debt to alot of people, most espcially my mom. It kills me inside that I have to borrow money from my parents when I know they really need it back home. So up to this point, I have been exhausted, unfufilled and depressed.

Its been harder this time as I have pushed myself away from those I'd usually go to when I need support. I don't know if its pride or stupidity, but I can't make that first move anymore. Those days where I would eagerly jump to the beat and pursue what I wanted is all but a distant memory. I just hurts too much sometimes when I try too hard. There's that feeling at the back of my head that makes me so scared and so afraid that things will fall all around me again. I self-analyse myself and my faults to a point where I would just break down. I need this mid-sem break not just to catch up with my missed work, I also need to catch up with myself. Running around in too many directions, I need to find the right one and stick to it.

I want to also apologize for everything I've done wrong up to this point. I'm sorry, I wish I was a better person, I wish I could make everything right again if they ever were right in the first place. Love you guys.