The smiles, the tears, the goodbyes, the love, the heartaches... thank you
12:00 am, Sydney Australia local time, 6th March 2007.
It’s midnight, I’m lounging about a makeshift bed of thin armchair pillows on the floor of my seniors apartment. My friends, who are facing the small television set, are slowly drifting off to sleep. It’s unusual quiet in Kingsford Anzac Parade tonight, probably because it’s a weeknight. I should be sleeping, I have a Maths lecture at 9am in the morning but I had the urge to turn on my laptop and type up something.
I’ve been in Sydney for four days, slowly, the fact that this is where I’m going to be for the next 9 months or more is finally starting to sink in. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Maybe it was the long ride I took from the city centre back to the apartment with my family. While waiting for the bus, I sat with my sis and shared my earphones to listen to some music. Right there, I felt this pang of pain in my heart. I won’t be able to this anymore quite soon. Even now, I’m slowly drifting apart from my family. I see them every night, but I have to take a bus to see them cause the place they’re staying at is quite far.
I don’t know… I get angry….and moody when I’m around my mom and dad. I always feel guilty after coming back from visiting them. Maybe it’s my thirst to show them I can be independent. They’re trying to help…too much. They talk to me like I don’t know crap and as if I’m going to mess this whole thing up. I should be grateful… but I’m suffocating. Even now I feel guilty knowing that they are worrying about me. I keep asking them to do what they want and go shopping sightseeing. They’re quite stubborn…just like me.
9:58 pm, Sydney Australia, 7th Mar, 2007
Adib’s Apartment
It’s a couple more minutes to ten. Just finished watching a new naruto episode. Finally found some free time to watch it. The ending credit music really got me into this nostalgic mood. I look up from the laptop and there’s the moon shining out from beneath the clouds. I suddenly remembered some of the wishes and dreams I made when I looked at that same moon ages ago. I still hard to believe where I am today.
My family visited me this afternoon in Kingsford. Was walking home from the uni with my friends and there they were waving from across the street at Oporto’s fast food restaurant. I was actually quite happy to see them. Brought them to the apartment, had some pizza and chatted. Still arguments broke out about how I haven’t settled on a house and some other probs but this time it didn’t end in sully silences. I’m quite glad.
We talked like we used to back when we were sitting in our living room in Brunei. I was happy because mom stopped nagging and finally started to loosen up. I can sleep better knowing that she’s not worried about me.
I have tons to write. I even missed out a lot things. I ‘m just typing random thoughts here and there so I won’t blow up from the inside. Probably upload this once I find a place with a decent internet connection.
Kinda hard not having time to blog and chat… I been having these weird dreams about my friends back in Brunei. Everything I see and do reminds me of someone back home. I miss you guys…
1:00am, Sydney Australia, 9th Mar, 2007
Adib’s Apartment
I feel sick to the stomach ryte now, dunno why. Probably something I ate. It like after I eat or drink anything, I throw up a few minutes later. Hmm…when I think about it, I’ve been sick even before I left Brunei. I wake up and go to the bathroom. The moment I start brushing my teeth, a sick gagging feeling pops up at the back of my throat and I throw up. Ceh…maybe it getting worse, maybe I’m dying. Muahahah
Well…I went to my other seniors place. They have internet but unfortunately, I didn’t bring my laptop. I surfed for a bit, looking for houses and apartments to rent. To those who don’t know, I still don’t have a place of my own yet. Heh, I’m living out of a suitcase in my seniors apartment. It was fun the first few nights, but after i officially started Uni classes, it became clearer that I really need a place of my own.
Well, anyways, I searched for a bit, got pissed that I cant find a suitable place, and decided, since I still have a few minutes, to check out some blogs and friendster. Checked out my blog, and as some of you clearly pointed out, is really in need of an update. Feel guilty and sad when I read your posts, messages, tags, testimonials and cant respond to them. It’s like calling out to you guys from outside a window and you cant hear or see me.
8:00 pm, Sydney Australia, 9th March 2007.
Train- enroute to Lakemba
Hahah, I’m on my own onboard a train, typing my blog on a laptop. I feel sooo cool. Heheh, one o f the things I never thought I’d do. Well, this is my first time taking a train on my own. Took it from the city centre, got kinda lost but found the railway station in the end. Bought a ticket from this annoying looking ticket guy, looked for the right platform and boarded the train. It takes half an hour to get to Lakemba (the place my parents are staying) so I figured this is the only ideal private time I get to type something decent.
Well, what to say, I’ve reached that point in life I’ve been dreading and looking forward to. A point where some bonds are broken once again and new ones have to be remade. Change change… well… at least I know that I’m still myself. I’m still sarcastic, I’m still annoying, I’m still loud, I’m still quiet, I’m still shy, I’m still curious and I still love you guys no matter what. Ever since I was awarded the shell scholarship, my life has been turned upside down upright and I finally got a foothold once again. The future isn’t as bleak as I thought it was. Some things were inevitable… I know that. That farewell bQ me and zai threw was like one of the last times we will be together like that. I don’t know if all of us will remember, but I’ll never forget. We will go our separate ways but, it times like these that will be imprinted into our memories for the rest of our lives.
I was looking back at the pictures saved onto the laptop a few nights ago. Couldn’t help shedding a sad smile. My new friends are great and all, but they can never compare or even replace those before them. The same thing will probably happen again in the future… so I’m not hoping for a replacement. What I had is what I had and theres nothing I can do about it. Acceptance, yeah, that word… I’ve been using it a lot lately.
That point when tears fell at airport…or in other words, the point I hilang macho, heheh, and I went through the doors were one of the saddest. Even now when I think about it…I feel like crying again. Hahah, I’m lame, I know. I still feel like I didn’t haven’t said the things I want to say, the proper goodbyes… hahah, fyi, I sleep with the teddie bear mimie gave every night. It cures my loneliness. :P
Oops, one more stop till lakemba, I better stop. I’ll continue this later…
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