Can't help it

Second last week of the semester and its the second last test for my french today. Need to study, so going to go off in a bit. Lately, all my posts have been rather...well depressing. Yeah, I admit I'm depressed, and I shouldn't be. Life is can be better spent without all this moping. I started going to gym again, hopefully I'll stick to it this time. Going for these steps classes, which is really fun. Just have to find time for it. Running makes me feel better... 

I miss Centenial Park, used to jog there everyday when I lived in Kensington. I can jog to coogee beach, but its too...sandy...hahah and cold and to many hills in between the beach and my house. 

When I'm not jogging, I'm stuck at home. Putting off study for internet, guitar and games. Haha, I been forgetting to control my spending lately. Ebay and Shell Allowance don't mix. Some days I have to starve cuz I don't have cash to buy groceries or eat out. Lesson that should have been learnt a long while ago.

Yeah, but being here in Sydney, when I think about it, is all worth it (ups and downs). To quote moulin rouge: Truth, beauty, freedom and love. Learnt about all these things after being on my own. Truth: People... the lies you have to realise and the truth you must believe from them. Beauty: How beautiful life is, like realising how beautiful it is when you finally get your housemates finally clean the dishes. Freedom: Control fo yourself, what you do and its impact on everything else. Don't take for granted that even though your in another country, away from the eyes of everyone, the big guy up there is still watching you. Last but not least, love: its a fools game.

Am I a fool, who tries too hard or am I a fool who does not try hard enough? Am I a fool who puts too much trust in people or am I a fool who can't trust anyone enough? Am I a fool for being  a dreamer or a fool for being too pessimisistic? Am I a fool, cause I can't help but fall in love with you?

You don't need me anymore...

I thought it was a bit suffocating when your presence used to cling on to me, it held me back and stopped me from doing what I wanted to, our reliance on each other seemed to be a sad disease...

When the chance came, I tried to break free, and pushed you away. I pushed everything away, hoping things were indeed better on the other side.

Now I'm here, alone, without the things that should have stayed with me.

I pushed everything so far away, that its no longer in reach. Now you don't call me anymore. Now you don't talk to me anymore. Now you don't even look at me anymore.

I guess the time has come, when you finally don't need me anymore...

Main Hati...

It's been awhile since I've updated. My birthday has come and gone, I'm a year older but heck I don't think I'm wiser. Got results of one of my tests again and they seen to have been going in the same trend lately. It's like whatever the fuck I do, I can't seem to get things right. What's even shitier is the fact that I know I'm doing it wrong and whenever I try to change myself for the better it always for the worse. I sick of trying and failing, I'm sick of putting so much effort and getting nothing but this cruel feeling in my chest. Sigh..I miss home... but I don't think I can even face my family. I haven't failed yet, but I'm not doing the best I could and thats just not me.

I don't know who I am lately you know. I sorta drifted off after SMB. Felt like I was tumbling downhill since then, still barely grasping on. I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. I barely recognise that fuck up staring back. I can't be who I want to be, I can't be what they want me to be. I can't be who god wants me to be. I feel like nothing right now, just a waste of air. I wish I had my good friends by my side again. I can't talk to anyone here... I used to but... sigh..

I'm sorry for not being a good friend... Sorry for not being a good son... Sorry for not being a good muslim. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin.